smeg.blog

today my father (through adoption, not biological) finally admitted his complete lack of support for me.  when discussing the lack of employment opportunities in the film industry in portland, he killed the conversation with one quick stab to the heart.  'i think it's time you give it up, and choose a different career.  just make film a hobby.'

wow.  thanks.  yeah, i'll just toss out every wish i've ever had.  every dream i've chased, all the years i devoted to it, the sacrifices i've made for it, and the hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of education... yeah, it can just be a hobby.  i'll go out and get a different career.  because within all that time i spent devoting my every waking second to film, i also managed to squeeze in a few other subject majors that will easily land me a job that is accompanied with a hair net and fryer oil burns.  and with the wads of cash i'll be earning from this prestigious career path, i can easily pay the production costs of a movie that will be filmed in my free time.  i mean, a film averages about 2-3 pages shot in a 18 hour day, so my first 'hobby' film will be done in a few years.  talk about character transformation!  

what a fucking dickhole!  it's not like i waltzed up to him when his friend got cancer to enlighten him to the fact that 'maybe your 'god' isn't really there.  you should search out a different answer to life, and keep that 'god' idea just as an excuse to celebrate christmas.'  

i'm not ignorant to the fact that i'm not a great success at the moment.  and i'm defiantly not blind to my obvious, and daily confirmed lack of fulfillment in my parent's expectations.  i'm not going to make a million excuses for this, i'm simply going to say that it's a difficult business, and instant success is about as abundant as the number of sasquatch sightings that have been confirmed as real.  i understand the lack of respect or support from the outside world.  from people who view my career accomplishments as meager and unimpressive.  but not from my parents.  they are the ones who have seen my passion and love of this art form, and the lengths i've gone in pursuit of being a part of it.  they know what it means to me, and how my life till now has revolved around nothing else.  they should be the ones pushing me forward... supporting my ideas, building my self-esteem and pride in my creativity, and telling me never to give up the only thing that has ever brought me true, unaltered, and perpetual happiness.  

they have never lived up to that, but i never pictured the day when they would actually take the opposing side.  what makes it worse is the fact that i've always known they could give a shit about my love of film.  beyond paying for my education, they were never supportive.  and now that they are antagonistic towards my efforts in the field, i realize that i stand alone in this battle.  nobody is going to say, 'wow, your ideas are so creative, and you have potential to make something truly beautiful.'  or 'you're going to make it, you just have to keep at it, and in time your big chance will arrive.'  nobody is even going to say, 'don't give up.'  everyone, including the people i thought knew, if nothing else, this, most important of details about me... they all just want me to walk away from the most defining characteristic that makes me... me.

i can't do it.  i can't let it go.  to do so would be to accept a life that i don't want, knowing the one i do want is out there, but i didn't chase it.  i've actually made steps further away from throwing in the towel with my lack of success, rather than towards surrendering to defeat.  for example, i am aware that i cannot build a home in my current state of limbo.  no job, no home... a zombie in my parent's home, where i'm not welcome, and i have no connection to the outside world.  i'm not making any steps towards my goals, apart from the personal studies i undertake.  the obvious first step that needs to happen is for me to obtain some form of employment, because all the other required steps cannot be done without money.  i need to find a home where i am able to be self reliant regarding transportation (and because i am not permitted to view this as a home, but rather a temporary displacement).  i need to form stability, self-reliance, dependability, and all those standards of living that chasing dreams fails to include.  it just all seems too big.  too much.  i don't know if i'm willing to work that hard to gain something on that grand of a scale, if it's not even what i really want.  the problem is, these are no longer seen as 'choices' for me to make... they are requirements for living.  i feel as though i've been lied to my whole life:

'if you work hard, you can be whatever you want when you grow up.' 

'you live in the land of opportunity.'

or the most insincere and painfully realized lie of them all:

'i just want you to be happy.'

i find it so strange that my parents pull the 'you're a grown up, and you need to take care of yourself' card out, only when pertaining to my happiness.  they are more than willing to assist me in gaining the things i don't want.  the things they believe will make me a 'normal' citizen.  they can't/won't help me get a home in a place where i would have access to a vast job market in my career path of choice, where i have the potential to make a great living.  they can't/won't help me obtain the tools i need to easily support myself through the constant freelance work that more often than talent is based on ownership of proper equipment.  directly after my graduation from film school, continued still today, they can't/won't support me through an internship with a company that would be an almost guaranteed future employer upon completion.  no matter how hard i attempt to make them understand that an internship is just as important (if not more) as film school itself.  because all the knowledge in the world about the process of production is worth crap to people if you have not experienced an actual set.  and with an internship, it's basically a training session/extended interview based on the particular method that production company uses on set.  they can't/won't help me with any of this.

they can and will help me obtain an apartment in an area with almost no prospects of production work, under the terms that i will get a job... inevitably earning minimum wage, which, despite it's name, is not enough to sustain a single person's life.  add in the fact that most of these jobs are some form of public service industry, and i have admittedly never done well in regards to public interaction.  i'm not stupid, and i'm not naive enough to not understand the proper approach to employee/public interaction in these venues... but i also have a huge flaw of intolerance on my push button issues.  i admit this is completely my fault, it's a problem i have, and i'm in no way claiming to be the one in the right... but it's something i KNOW i have, and i have not yet been able to change.  when a guy makes a sexist comment/action towards a woman, yeah, i'll dump a beer on him.  when the over dramatic waitress becomes jealous of competition i unknowingly instigated over the attention of the male staff members, and begins to turn the staff against me in an attempt to win the rivalry; i'm not going to play into the dramatics, but rather just approach my opposition and tell her to 'shut up with her crap', resulting in my termination.  it's just something i haven't been able to harness,/ i've spent so much time on self defense drills, that any form of aggression towards myself or my values will make me feel defeated if allowed them to pass by without acknowledgment or an effort at justice.  i don't think i will ever allow myself to grow out of this, because i don't believe i have any source of protection outside of myself.  

the sources of most of the emotions that human's require to live normal lives have somehow all been forced upon myself to carry.  i'm my only source of protection, trust, confidence, loyalty, and now... hope and faith in success.

that. fucking. blows.

well, at least i'm also the only guaranteed source of humor (okay, i'll add phil to this one).  this comes in handy for someone like me.  when you have come to rely on confiding your emotional needs only in yourself, it's easy to learn how to be happy in solitude.  over time, you even gain the ability to entertain yourself.  after gaining this, you learn what your true likes, dislikes, and sense of humor include, and you end up like me...

laughing at something that nobody else in the world will ever understand, and not caring.  you no longer need to entertain others by gambling on the popularity of a joke.  just say 'if magic exists, then i have magic', and pee your pants laughing (that one may not work for you, because it's my example).  

it's time for me to decide if this is how i'm going to approach my future.  do i take everyone's opinions, advice (that would probably include their assistance) towards a life that would no longer be failing?  or do i just tell myself what i know i need to hear, and work towards the life i want?  it should be a no brainer, but i'm really unsure of my ability to stay afloat without giving in.  the major problem that would face me if i did take the advice of others... when i feel trapped in a situation that i know isn't right for me, the only way out for me is usually dramatic and detrimental.  but i can only suppress claustrophobia for so long... and the longer i push it down, the stronger the reaction will be.

gaaaaar!  i wish i could go back to when my biggest decision was if i should attempt to let the fart out quietly in class, or uncomfortably hold it in.  those were the days.

ps. i'd let it out. 

p.p.s. i covered by pointing out the kid who always had an erection in class

quicky:

i found this picture on my sister's myspace page.  this was around the last time i saw her.  my brother i was able to meet up with, briefly, a few months ago.  i just thought this picture was awesome, because it is me with a brother and sister... that blows my mind.  (i'm the one on the right):

i go through these strange spells of extreme hope and desire to work on a certain tv show/movie or with a certain figure within the industry i look up to.  this is one i've wanted before, and for some reason, my love for his work, and goals to work along side him are regaining strength.  i wonder if it's the connection i feel with him because of our matching red hair/pale skin combo. 

stephen merchant, co-creator/writer of bbc's 'the office', and current writer for america's version of the brilliant british hit.  the bbc version is by far the best show i have ever seen on television.  covering all emotional levels in perfect balance, and delivering each one perfectly.  the humor, the drama... and the most believable and moving romance ever portrayed on screen.  i have never been so touched, literally moved to tears, by a single kiss that was never meant to be romantic (comic relief episode, when dawn was selling kisses, and tim bought one that lasted a little longer than intended).

the american version has grown on me, although i don't believe it will ever live up to it's predecessor.  i will, obviously, admit to my huge crush on jim.  how could you not love him?  it's the same character my mind has formed when i was creating my 'ideal man'.  funny, sweet, shy, a bit geeky, respectful, and puppy dog adorable.  combine this eye (and heart) candy with the constant witty remarks the writers are getting better at producing, and you've got something that i want to be a part of.  if nothing else i wish i could help in the one major difference that, while i understand it, is holding the american version from the level the bbc's was at: the level of uncomfort.  after david brent's inappropriate remarks, outbursts, or actions, there was this long uncomfortable silence.  the slow pacing of this pause, was unbroken, and lacked an ending, which created even more unease.  it felt so real, and that is what made it funny.  the unbroken and exceedingly long pauses, and the unresolved issues.  in the american version, when michael scott makes one of these tactless mistakes, he is always forgiven, or put into a 'victim' role until the discomfort is resolved.  the same standard should apply to jim and pam.  because the one thing that made dawn and tim's interactions so romantic was the unresolved state of it.  it was in looking away to keep from being caught staring at the other; the hidden smiles after a close 'friendly' interaction (like the kiss in 'comic relief'); the constant denial, but obvious attraction.  that was what made it romantic.  the moment it was in the open, the excitement was over.  the romance part of the american show has somewhat lost my admiration (although, when jim admitted his love to pam... cutest. thing. ever.  i balled like a baby).    i guess i'm just worried about the loss of a very big part of my favorite show if their relationship goes to where it is inevitably headed.  i miss the innocence!  

back the the subject at hand, stephen merchant.  now, although i'm aware that ricky gervais would love to claim the lion's share of the credit, after watching several interviews, podcasts, award shows, etc... i've come to love and respect stephen.  he allows ricky the spotlight, but steps in on occasion and with one simple and brilliant remark gains a reaction ricky has spent 10 minutes working towards.  stephen is amazingly brilliant, witty, and humble in the face of fame that i would expect to turn most men into walking egos.  i would love the chance to work with him, not necessarily on 'the office', but anything.  ideally, creating an indie art house, absolutely beautiful film that was that great mix of comedy, drama, compassion, love, innocence, and vulgarity... 

a comedy that was a visual masterpiece.  a drama that was non-stop laughing.  a love story that wasn't cheesy, overly feminine, or even perfect.  a piece of moving artwork that told the perfect story.  that's what i want to make with stephen merchant.  

film is becoming a lost art form, because so many people have turned to calling cgi, digital video, and simple visually flat stories, 'films'.  they are just visual stories.  many people won't even watch a classic film noir, or early silent film because it doesn't demand their attention, as today's blockbusters require.  film is no longer about the brilliance of the dp's lighting set up, or the directors choice in breaking the rules to manipulate the audience's emotions, or the set designer's ability to create on camera visual effects through creative thinking, or even the simple beauty of the film grain.  these things are what makes film an art form.  otherwise, it's just the writers work you're judging, and you should have just read a book instead.

so, in conclusion:

'stephen merchant, if you're out there and reading random blogs belonging to people you don't know, living in a different state (possibly country), and you come across this one... i would love to work with you in creating a real film of worth.  both in story and artistic portrayal.  please contact me if you are interested.'

hey, it was worth a shot.

the past few nights have been host to the brightest i have ever witnessed the moon.  just standing on the barn porch became somewhat of a religious experience.  although the clock said 3:18 am, every rock in the driveway was fully visible.  it wasn't like daylight, or magic hour (that hour just before or after the sun is in the sky, but the sky is still fully lit).  the illumination could be equally compared early morning, but it was a different light.  it wasn't cold, or threatening like morning... when everything is wet and you know the night is over... i hate that (i believe i have a fear of mornings, because they steal away my nights, the only place people don't expect anything from me).  but the vivid moon light these past few nights is different.  for lack of better description, i'll call it comfort.  like a muted version of daytime that offers the recluse of the night.  

while looking at the moon, i stepped back into my childhood and began labeling the cloud formations with my impression of what they best represented.  here is what i came up with:

~ an angry pig trying to hump a baseball bat on top of a carrot

~ a large mailbox (the street corner kind) with an alien hand hanging out

~ a grilled chicken wearing a bra

~ a unicorn crying over it's weight problem

something about defining cloud shapes, wishing on stars, searching out constellations, and general fascination with the sky has always kept me in a state of arrested development.  it brings me back from the petty issues of life and recharges my childlike state of wonder.  of my personality's attributes, i'm most thankful for this one.  that i can continue to be amazed by things.  magicians can still amaze me, fireworks make put my heart race with excitement, and i look like a tourist everywhere i go from craning my head around to gawk in amazement at everything included in my surroundings.  too often i see people get into a routine, or become jaded by technology.  my heart breaks for them, because i don't know how life can be enjoyable if it's predictable.  without a suspension of disbelief, or the ability to no longer be surprised, why bother seeing whats ahead?  you already know it.

apart from moon gazing, i spent much of my day thinking about new york.  for some time now, i've had one of my strange immediate desires to move, and this time my destination is new york.  i want to put myself in a location that takes me out of my element.  somewhere different, that forces me to reexamine life.  i was able to watch the movie 'rent' this morning, and it was fun to see the artistic style my current locational obsession has to offer.  plus, rosario dawson is my favorite actress (any chick with her own comic book, who can speak klingon, and still performs in indie films after gaining a-list celebrity status is a god to me).  i've been checking out apartments and jobs in the city on craigslist, and i came across a home that seemed very bohemian artistic style in brooklyn.  i wrote to the guy, saying i can't take the room now, but if i could keep in touch with him in case i they have a room open when i finally lose my self-control and move out there.  i've got figure out a way to get there, because whenever these moods hit me... 

i feel more and more imprisoned until i finally escape.

although i consider myself an aggressive feminist; however, at times i kinda go into 'super feminazi' mode.  today was one of those days.  i believe this was provoked when i was reminded that one of my favorite feminist magazines, bitch, had recently relocated their offices to portland.  i periodically read the feminist blog on www.feministing.com; however, upon reading todays entries, i was blind sided by a feeling of failure rather than the normal feminist aggression accompanied with this ritual.  these beautiful, brilliant women had posted stories, essays, and videos of such amazing caliber that described their battles in the war on sexism.  included were many reviews of art, books, poems, zines, even art shows and performing events (one at my favorite place ever, the ragtag theatre in columbia, missouri).  the common denominator of all these was the catalyst for my feeling... all these women were not only talented, but used their talent in the creation, and more importantly, completion and presentation of these artistic victories against sexism.  furthermore, they have achieved success in their lives, giving their voice the credibility i lack.  my passion to destroy sexism, not just equality for women, but respect towards women, is as much a part of who i am as my name.  my fear is that my obvious shortcomings will discredit my arguments.  if i was to fight someone over the abilities of women in the film industry vs. men, i worry they will disregard everything i say, because i have obviously not built a name or career for myself within the industry of discussion, despite my 6 1/2 year pursuit.  i feel as though my feminism may currently be counterproductive, so i am forcing myself to hold back (unless provoked).  i want to prove to the world that women are just as intelligent, artistic, and able as men within the film industry.  that we should no longer be forced to obtain jobs through casting couch situations (or as i call it, crewing couch).  also, that women are no longer labeled as either 'the whore' or 'the bitch'... because that currently seems to be the only titles issued on set.  artistic careers are the hardest for women, because we cannot easily prove sexism in denial of employment.

i guess... my love and desire to work in film has been suppressed to a breaking point, and i just can't move forward in life if it's not film.  it has rendered me homeless and unemployed, because i can no longer endure barely surviving on the pay of a minimum wage job i don't want.  it's worse that just accepting failure, and providing myself with time to educated myself further, and formulate ideas for films.  this down time has also forced me to look back on my defeats in the industry.  it's easy for others to say it's my fault due to insufficient knowledge, experience, or even talent; however, people just don't realize what a boy's club this industry is.   as far as experience goes, yes, i can accept that i'm lacking in that aspect.  however, i am more confident in my knowledge and talent within film production than anything else in my life.  but if you have seen what i've gone through... since day 1.  

i attended the new york film academy in hollywood, ca.  it is located in the back corner offices of a large building on the universal studios back lot.  of the 13 people in my class, i was the only female.  it didn't take long for me accept that i would be, completely by 'coincidence' and totally 'at random', never acknowledged by teachers or peers.  i don't mean they never spoke to me... whenever we needed a female character on screen during class projects, i was the most popular person in class.  but i was invisible when it came to activities like: answering questions posed by the teacher in class; volunteering to take on a certain roll on the crew; or offering the suggestion of removing the multiple film student *cliches* (refer to the end of this entry for samples) in the 'class written script', that was to be filmed and presented to huge name producers.  

after enduring that crap till graduation, i hit the work force.  after years of crappy pa jobs with the periodical editing or scripty gig, i finally got an interview to be the assistant to a huge music video producer.  he was looking for someone to start working for him the following week on the red hot chili peppers video.  if that went well, it would open up as a permanent position.  it was between me and this dumbass guy who knew nothing about film.  he knew how to turn on a digital camera... thats about it.  he didn't even think digital cameras needed lighting set ups, resulting in me instantly knowing the job was going to be mine.  during my interview we discussed many things, including the treatment for my music video '18 stories and counting'.  the next day, i received a phone call from the producer, which i assumed was the conformation of my new employment.  it was in a way, but not for the position i had applied for, because that had gone to the other guy.  this was a different offer completely...

$150 to watch the asshole masturbate.  

needless to say, i went ape shit on the phone.  making a scene so dramatic, it was awarded a standing ovation by the audience i had gained in the hollywood and highland shopping center's courtyard.  during the next few weeks, after a few slightly unnecessary attacks on random cat callers at bars, i eventually settled down.  until i saw the red hot chili peppers video that was filmed directly after my rejection.  the video that was, almost shot for shot, my music video.  no credit, no money, not even a shitty $10/h dillhole assistant job.  just the sperm dumpster gig... and, i'm sorry, but $150?  thats like a $500 job for someone that nasty. 

anywho, i guess i just need to unload and get all this crap out of my system.  it's amazing how stressful doing nothing is.  cooking burgers at the fatty golden arches almost sound like a nice break from processing my life in my mind over and over to the point of insanity.

*list of student film cliches*

information from filmmaker.com's "dumps"

directing unsuccessful motion picture shorts

(connect to 'dumps' in links section for more details)

dolly/zoom

this is the most egregious, blatantly non-creative, non-cool, total student film red flag.  hitchcock used it in vertigo, spielberg used it jaws, but now it's cliched, overused, goofy, and overall a bad idea. this is a simultaneous dolly-in/zoom-out or vice-versa which compresses the background while keeping the subject at a fixed size during the shot.  the dolly/zoom is such a mark of a student film, it's a joke in the opening of THE BIG PICTURE. 

the tortured artist film

a struggling artist (90% of the time, it's a writer) grapples with some sort of inner conflict (a dead relative, writers deadline, religious confusion, etc).  the tormented soul encounters a muse (beautiful woman, endearing older character, magical artifact, etc) who helps the protagonist come to a sort of realization which ultimately opens the creative floodgates and allows the character to succeed.  related to this is the "introspective shot" which usually features the main character staring into space for a good minute.  file this under "pretentious as shit." 

dream sequences

a dream sequence generally says "I couldn't think of a better way to reveal information about the character than this."  so-called "funny" dream sequences are usually not. 

time-elapse montage

a time-elapse montage not only demonstrates an inability to structure your film pacing-wise, it makes the audience wait unnecessarily.

bad audio

you can have a real nice looking short film, but if the sound is bad, the film itself comes across as bad.  examples would be using a synthesizer (the "porn" soundtrack) or your friend's band (they suck).

"look at me, i'm a director!" shots

examples include: the gratuitous "fishbowl in the foreground" shot, the "overhead for no reason 'cept we're shooting in a soundstage" shot, the "we think it's cool canted dutch angle shot" and perhaps most insidiously the "fridge POV shot"(put the camera inside the trashcan/toilet/mailbox/etc..)  

ultraslow dialogue

on a film set, one second of "real" time equals three seconds of film time.  pauses can make characters seem slow.  long pauses also extenuate bad lines of dialogue. 

blatant miscasting

don't cast your significant as the romantic object of desire.  don't try to pass off someone who is average or ugly, as a supermodel.  in the same vein, why do so many student films cast SAG boy wonders as the "computer nerd" who can't get a date?  mismatched couples.  would these people actually date?  young people as old characters.  grey hair and fake beards don't work.

the "nothing happens" short film

usually consists of a main character who spends his or her time talking to people about nothing of consequence.  at the end, some contrived "climax" comes out of nowhere and tries to wrap everything up, but because there has been no conflict of any sort for so long, the audience is asleep and misses it.  common threads of these films include the "personal discovery/epiphanies" film, the "warm remembrances of my childhood" film, and the "funny people I know come to life on the big screen." 

the feature film masquerading as a short film

in the short narrative film genre, every moment is precious.  it's to your advantage to make your film short but sweet-- for one thing, shorter films cost less, take less time to edit, and allow you more time to focus on making your film as tight and well designed as possible.  do what your film needs to do and then get the hell out.  less is more.

the one joke film

a good short film has got to be a collection of good ideas, not one good idea stretched out for fifteen minutes.

the "walk into the camera" transition

a character walks into the camera lens! then we fade to black.  what an original idea... 

the zany "slacker with a gun" film

you're not quentin tarantino.

overused video effects

dissolves are not synonymous with cuts.  same goes for wipes, keys, etc. the 80's are over

ramblers: the "quest for truth" 

there are several permutations of this theme.  in many, the "story" deals with a reclusive scientist who learns to forgo cold, hard science for something warm, gushy and intangible, like love, god, morality, religion or free will.  there is also the venting film. don't make a movie about your break up.  in short, philosophical examinations of human existence and relationships, when discussed on an abstract level, will almost guarantee that the audience will become bored and/or confused. 

shooting into mirrors 

like so many narrative devices abused by student filmmakers, the "reflective" shot has become a staple of the bad short film.

interminable credit sequences

there are a lot of people to thank, but please consider the poor audience member who has to sit through ten films. with credit sequences that last longer than the films themselves.

scene one: the protagonist wakes up

there's nothing wrong with starting a film with the buzz of an alarm clock, but it's done all the time.

my life comes off morbidly somber, because anyone else couldn't handle it.  i love my life.  and though i may sound dismal or melancholy, i'm only stating some facts; my emotional attachment to those events are quite the opposite, and i'll try to seperate my *experiences* from my *emotions*.  for example, *experience*: homeless on skid row for 7 months.  *emotion*: for 7 months, i met many amazing people who proved to be saints, got a job on my first network tv show, and had the BEST day of my life (i never use caps, so you know it's good).  i'll explain that day later, but so you can look forward to it, it includes:

- rain storm in LA

- a vintage bicycle

- a recording studio

- drunk magic tricks

- a strip club

- a video camera

- a hotel

- my favorite band since the age of 15

so, yeah... i'll come up with a system to seperate emotional and event recollection writing, so nobody thinks i'm depressing.  i could be the happiest person in the world, even when i'm inconsoiably miserable.  i found that being alone most of my life became a blessing in disguise.  yeah, i say the wrong thing, come off awkward in social situations, and often feel empty from lack of human connection; however, i'm comfortable with myself.  i can make myself laugh, goto a restaurant or movie alone, or even move my ass all over the country without knowing a living soul in my goal destination... and i'm okay with that.  

i've had everything stolen from me; been stabbed in the back by my closest friends; and lived without a stable job, a stable home, or a relationship (stable or unstable) for over 5 years, but i've never once felt i couldn't live through it.  it's so empowering.  it's that moment you know that nothing matters; rejections, loss, pain, loneliness, emptiness, fear, all of that can't kill you, so why feign that it is?  or even go through the motions for that matter?  i embrase the immediate shock, but that's all.  i'm still alive, and lawn gnomes still make me laugh.  happy again.

so, gonna continue this later...