smeg.blog

my friend tim (see my 'smeg's fantastic 4' blog from may 15th for info on tim) came in from alaska today.  over the past 2 days i've only slept a total of 4 hours due to my uncontrollable excitement.  i left my home at 4:45am and arrived at the airport around 6:30.  the moment i spotted him in the baggage claim, my heart began that racing action that comes from either extreme happiness or fear.  before i could muster a simple 'hi' i threw my arms around him and hugged him as i would a family member who was about to die.  had circumstances between us been different, i would have held on much longer.  we departed from the airport towards downtown where we had a day that, although on the lazy side considering our usual agendas, was incredibly special to me.  we went to the coffee shop, powell's books, backspace, waterfront, coffee time, fred meyers, my comic book shop, and various other pdx staples.  it was funny to regard the day as 'laid back', considering we covered more distance on foot that anyone else would go with me over the course of a week.  the waterfront was, for lack of better description, and at the risk of extreme cheese factor, magical.  it was a beautiful day, and we laid down on huge grassy hill with a perfect view of the water, where tim took a short nap and i listened to music.  to be near someone and be so happy and content in the comfortable silence within a friends company is a feeling that is rare to find, but perfect.  i was using every ounce of self control to hold myself back from wrapping my arm around him and falling asleep holding the person i consider to be the only one who has to potential to understand me fully. 

i wish i could verbalize the way if feel about him, because i've defined it with the word 'love' (i don't toss that word around or use it lightly); however, the definition society has provided for 'love', even within campy romance movies, cannot begin to describe what i feel towards tim.  i am such a strange person.  nobody can understand my actions, my personality, my sense of humor (cept phil), my outlook on life, or my hopes for my future... nobody except tim.  although he has not yet attempted to connect with me on a deeper level, i know any attempt on his part would wield higher results than anyone else in the world could hope to get.  i don't know if i would be able to contain my appreciation for him in that scenario.  and, as i've said before, i realized that what i felt towards him was love and not a fleeting crush, because throughout the whole day i felt pained with the restrictions keeping me from physically or verbally expressing my feelings towards him (and that he had commitments to save those feelings for someone else); and yet that pain was outweighed by the happiness of being in his company.  that is how it dawned on me that i truly loved him rather than had a crush.  that i would put his happiness above my desire to be with him, and i truly would.  i would go anywhere and do anything for his happiness.  literally.  i would whore myself to an old man with aids just to earn the cash to pay for tim's plane ticket to his dream destination.  there are no limits to the measures i would take to preserve this boy's happiness.

by far, the greatest moment of the day was introducing tim to my self proclaimed place of recluse, suicide bridge.  to give up the pride in having a secret place of solitude and solace that, despite your excitement about it, you have manage to keep to yourself for 4 years, is a huge deal.  had it been anyone else, i wouldn't have done it; however, to share this with tim, i felt no sense of loss or invasion.  this is for the simple fact that i go there to reflect about life, and work out any situation i'm in, and tim is the only person i the world i would feel comfortable turning to with anything of that nature.

all in all a great day, apart from my sunburn.

post script: i came up with a t-shirt idea today.  in big block letters: i'm overrated.