smeg.blog

how embarrassing.

as predicted, i slacked my ass off horribly on this blog.  i'm seriously attempting to give this one a chance, so please forgive these massive plot holes in my life.  or, to make aids into lemonaids, think of them as "intermissions", and take the opportunity to go down to the lobby and grab yourself a snack.  

i know the unfortunate soul to stumble across this, continuing to read in hopes of the slightest hint of useful and/or entertaining information, is wondering what has transpired during my month long sabbatical.  although from my position, it appears to contain only ass sitting, [adult swim] watching, and pop tart eating, i've actually had a few big events occur.  as well as some small, but special ones.  i'm sure i'll remember random things throughout my recollections, and i ask you to bear with my sporadic and extremely non-linear report on my un-blogged time.

all major developments in my life revolve around my new job, production coordinator for a larger budget indie film.  as glamorous as this job sounds, trust me that it is accompanied with some downsides... horrific downsides.  for starters i was hired by a friend of a friend of my mom's... double whammy.  first off, because my mom had the slightest part in this transaction, she will hold it over me throughout the job, any proceeding jobs that come from it, with potential for 'life long' nagging.  example: i needed a car to get this job.  any other job, even with million dollar contracts, she would never allow, let alone help, me obtain the use of a vehicle.  knowing this, i originally turned down the job, however; because she was involved in the smallest, sideways, ass-backwards way, she yelled at me for not attempting to get a car.  how is a girl with no money, no expendable possessions, no current employment, living in her parent's barn supposed to get a car, insurance, new license, gas money, and everything else?  well, the fact that i failed to pull that rabbit out of my ass earned me a good few hours of pissy mother (followed by a few hours of pissy rod for actually getting the car... no fair double lecturing from opposite sides!!!).  second, the guy who hired me is creepy.  not that stalker in the corner creepy, or even drunk guy at the bar creepy... i can handle that.  the best i can compare it to is the one time i was alone downtown, it was very early morning and raining, so the streets were empty.  facing the coffee shop windows, hunched over to protect the small flame lighting my cigarette, i failed to notice the middle aged, worn down, disgusting man who had crept up behind me.  i felt something on my shoulder, and shifted my eyes to find this nightmare of a face resting just beside my own; at which point he whispered, in a tone i can only describe as aggressive, "you're looking so attractive."  

- pause - replay that scene in your head and let it sink in -

adding to the shit list is the fact that after going through all the rushed turmoil of the car issue, the production was immediately pushed 8 weeks.  so, here i am... with an awesome job... and 8 weeks of unemployment.

apart from that, i also had the chance to see ron, who i consider to be... a crush, i guess.  ron and i have a strange past that, like so many things in my life, stems from the band alien ant farm.  being both a friend of theirs, and selling touring band merch for a living, he was employed as their merch guy.  when i first moved to LA to pursue film school, i had no friends, and a horrible case of social anxiety.  however, both of these could not keep me from attending my first in a long string of ant farm shows, where i met phil williams (one of my current best friends).  strata was the opening band, and both kadaver and ron were working at the show.  because phil and i hit it off so well the first night (despite his jealous girlfriend's disapproval), we planned a road trip to palo alto for the following days show.  once we arrived at the boardwalk (the venue), we spoke momentarily to michele, ant farm's manager, about our disappointment that both shows had not been included in those that offered a 'band meet and greet' advertised on the website for this tour; so, she said she would try to figure out a way for us to get in free and possibly meet the band.  just after the band performed, kadaver mentioned seeing us at the last venue.  we decided to buy t-shirts, and while at the merch booth, we met ron and adrian, the drummer for strata.  we began speaking to both of them about seeing them the night before, and our trip, and adrian left to see if he could find us some backstage passes.  during our wait, i spoke with ron a little longer, and found him to be an absolute sweetheart.  adrian returned shortly with a pass for phil and i, and we headed back.  the story of my first time 'backstage' with alien ant farm (including some time spent on the bus) is a whole other blog's worth of writing, so i will skip the rest of the events of the night for now.

from then on, every strata or alien ant farm show i attended, phil always came with me, and we always spent some time speaking with ron.  during a party at mike cosgrove's (aaf's drummer) house, after the acoustic ontario mills show, kadaver let slip that ron had a crush on me since our first meeting.  at the time, i was a little disappointed over this, because i felt bad for not liking him back.  it wasn't that there was anything to dislike about him; i just felt he was in a different stage of life, involving a career and a more 'adult life'; whereas i was still attending school, and working a minimum wage job.  also, although at that point, we were considered 'friends' of these people; i still felt that sense of separation between real life and celebrity.  however, over time, that barrier broke down, and a while after school ended, i went on my first date with him.  we have always had a great time whenever we go out, and i grew to really like him.  and although i know he is one of those rare men i could grow to truly love, i have restricted myself due to knowing we could never be together.  i don't believe long distance relationships work, and with a man that tours for a living, combined with my love of spontaneity, and never knowing where i'm going to end up, it would always be long distance.  this fact also make it hard for me to allow myself to be romantic with him at all when i do see him, because i know it is going nowhere.  during our times together, it takes a few uncomfortable hours of internal debate before i even kiss him.  alcohol helps.  

when he was in portland with fall out boy, it was also the night of the mc chris show.  we only had a few hours for me to show him around town, grab ourselves so food and a few drinks, and then head back to the show to make out on the bus for a while.  since he left that night, however, he made one of his many "promises" about him coming to spend time with me once he was done with work (i say "promises", because i've heard that from him a few times before, and he has never yet followed through).  i decided that i really wanted to have the chance to spend more than just a few of his working hours with him, so i decided i would drive to LA for a visit during both of our time off.  my plans are to leave around august 1st.

the last major event of this past month, was the mc chris show.  despite from the fact that i enjoyed the show, i have since lost a lot of respect for mc.  it's depressing when people don't live up to the image you created of them in your mind.  i usually take responsibility for that shortcoming, but, to make matters worse, i can't do that with him.  i built him to be this really sweet, down to earth, no bullshit, talented guy who really cares about people who help him out or support him; and i came up with that persona from his blogs, interviews, etc... i didn't just fill the missing pieces i had yet to discover about him with personality traits i thought were fitting and impressive, like i do with most people i find to be less than my idea of who they are.  i went out of my way to get him information about a transformers movie promotion from dreamworks pictures, that got him $100's of dollars worth of free stuff, and all the people who attended the eugene show posters and coupons for the video game; i also gave him a copy of a dvd i though he'd like, marvel zombies issue 1, and a book of milk and cheese comics.  i approached him and said 'hi', and from the start of the SHORT conversation, he was very cold.  first off, he didn't even look in the bag i handed to him with the dvd and comics in it, but just threw it on the table with a quick 'thanks'.  he gave a quick, and unheartfelt 'thanks' for the help with the transformers promotion, and when i mentioned i couldn't make it, he said he would get a photo of everyone with their posters for me, to which i added, 'and you gotta send me a picture of the optimus prime figure your getting, along with a quick note on what you think of the game.'  of course, i have yet to see any of those, or even given the slightest bit of credit for all that shit.  and after about 30 seconds of talking to him, i could tell he was so uncomfortable and obiviously wanted to be anywhere than in my company; so i made up an excuse to leave and put him out of his misery.  i just don't get it.  i have never found any performer like him, who i enjoyed for the sheer fact it glorified my nerdiness... but i can't seem to let that fact keep me from being less than enthusiastic about him.  i still want to find him cool comics or movies, or help him set up a show at an arcade, or find a way to get free hotel rooms for his tours; but, i know it will never give me the response i want, which is just a feeling of comfort and acceptance as an equal from a person i admire.  i'll always get the, 'hurry up and leave so i can go pee' vibe he does so well.  

dear fuckin' hell, it's like trying to impress the 'cool crowd' at high school so you'll be invited to join them.  you know it'll never happen, yet you still feel compelled to impress them just so they'll notice you for a moment.  the difference is that now i know better than to allow myself to base my worth on his perception of me, so i will have to go through the pain of letting go of this substantial source of happiness in my life, because i just can't respect him like i did.  plus, the 'cool crowd' in school always end up poor, stupid, or unhappy upon leaving high school; so i don't feel as though mc chris' not treating me great is a reflection of who i am in the slightest.. cause his shit will bite him in the ass eventually.

so, there is the missing month of blogs... now if i could just get to the internet to actually post this.