smeg.blog

instead of writing about how shitty my "vacation" is going, here is an email i sent to someone i thought was one of the best friends i had.  it pretty much says it all...

first, a little explanation for a few references you may not get:

1. this vacation was a trip i planned after i realized my friend ron would probably not follow through on his plan to come to portland and visit me.  i had 8 weeks until i was starting work again, i had some extra money, and i was really stressed out, so i thought i could go see ron, and use all these factors towards a much needed vacation that would be spent with a great friend.

2. my first 3 days were supposed to be spent with mike (cosgrove); however, he got sick.  although he was more than willing to let me stay there, he would not be up for much in the way of socialization, so i thought i would try to use the time to do more and make the trip really worth the drive (that didn't pan out).

3. i had an abscess on my arm that formed due to a bee sting that got a bit swollen and caused a small infection.  i thought it would go away on it's own, and i didn't really have any pain from it, so i didn't really think it was a problem.  three days into the trip, it got really swollen and painful, so i finally went to the ER.  i won't go into the whole thing; however, it became a much bigger ordeal than it should have been.  the first doctor failed to numb the area properly and caused me massive amounts of pain, and then proceeded to incorrectly treat the infection, making it worse.  i was forced to return to the hospital the next day, in the most extreme pain i've ever felt.  i was treated like shit, screaming and crying, but being told 'you're fine, you're fine' (cause i show i'm fine normally by screaming and crying).  when they realized i was treated wrong the night before, they had to fix that mistake, as well as treat the actual problem and give me some much needed painkillers.  so, i basically left costco with the whole pharmacy's inventory in bottles with my name on em.

okay, so here is my email to ron:

okay, i'm not the type to bitch and moan about meaningless trivial crap; however, this is a way too much for me.  

when i saw you in pdx, i thought we had a lot of fun.  after that day, you brought up that you would love to visit portland, and spend some time with me during your break (which at that point you said was 3 weeks).  i was really excited, cause i love spending time with you... you're one of the nicest people i know.  you have been rather flakey about these things in the past (with less than legit excuses); so as time went on, i kinda realized that it wasn't gonna happen.  i still wanted to spend some time with you, so i thought, 'i have 8 weeks off, and i can't take other work, i have some extra money, and i now have a car... since ron can't make it here, i can go there instead.'  

you were the reason i came down here.  yes, i made other plans as well (which also fell through when they got sick. but they were still willing to follow through on their promise, so i at least had a place to stay); however, the purpose of this trip was to follow through on the plans you and i made.  when i mentioned this to you, you were very supportive of the idea.  even as i was driving down to california, you would IM me saying 'i'm really excited to see you... i get to see you soon... etc...'.  you made it very clear, many times, that you wanted to make this trip a 'relaxing break' for me.  i came here putting my faith in that.  my life has been so stressful and strait up shitty for a long time, and i NEEDED a break.  based on what you had told me, i thought i would see you on the 3rd, and stay with you for at least 4 or so days.  last minute, you mention you have a wedding to attend, but even then you said 'mid-august', so i assumed that meant "mid-august", not the 7th.  

because i have other friends in LA, i decided to come down 3 days early, for which i made plans to stay with other people and see my "LA friends".  then, on the 3rd i would meet up with you, having already seen the other people i wanted to visit, and have some relaxing days of vacation time, as you promised me MANY times over.  i get down here, barely hear from you, and once i finally do, i get: it'd be cool to see you maybe one day this weekend when i'm free.  WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!!!???!  this is not like i'm pissed at you for flaking out on meeting me up at a bar.  this is you flaking out on a promise, a responsibility, and a friendship.  if you flaked on me at a bar, i would be pissed for a second, but then just have a drink, go home to watch a movie, and not be upset.  but i'm over 1000 miles from home.  i did not make plans for 'places to stay' or 'people to hang out with' other than the first 3 days, cause YOU had offered and we made plans.  you said you wanted to make sure i'm relaxed, so i'd have a break from all this stress that has been piling up on me.  

but you know what i have now? i'm MORE stressed than i was at home.  i'm alone, because everyone i know down here has plans for the time i thought i would be with you.  i'm sleeping in my car, because i can't afford a hotel, and i don't know anyone with room for me to stay.  i spent so much money to get here, it's gonna cost so much to get back, and the costs are stacking up... i can't just go home and cook something cheap, i'm on my phone and wasting gas constantly looking for a place where i can at least shower, medical shit costs more here, taxes, etc... i'd go home now, and just be out the money i wasted; however, because of my health situation, the doctors said i'm not physically able to drive (other than short distance) for at least the next 6 days.  so i'm fucking stuck in this hell hole, sleeping in my car, fucking alone, stressed, broke, and completely depressed over the whole situation.

i understand that your job is important.  i understand that you don't want to walk away from that kind of money, or your working responsibilities.  but, realize it or not, making plans with me that include me driving 1000 miles from home to hang with you... that is a responsibility to a friend.  the fact that you take on more responsibility than you can handle doesn't bother me, but i shouldn't have to pay for that.  nobody has ever done anything this malicious to me.  i say malicious, because people have screwed me over, and much worse than this; however, the reason i'm in this situation is ONLY because i trust you, and think you were are one of the nicest and most caring friends i have.  the fact that i emotionally, financially, and physically feel like gutter shit, only because i wanted to be with you...

it hurts. so. fucking. bad.

i'm sure i seem over-dramatic, maybe i am.  but you gotta understand... i felt like shit.  i came here to escape that, because i was at my breaking point.  that isn't your responsibility at all, and i don't blame you for that.  however, you promised i wouldn't have to deal with it if i came here, so i put full faith in you; however, i walked into even more extreme shit than i had going on.  i can't carry that much.  i can't.  i was so ready to let it all go and rest, but... 

fuck. ron.  you were the nicest guy i knew.  i cared about you more than almost everyone else in my life.  now what?

~smeg

***** the unmentioned (better than) good point ******

josh, a guy i had met (once again) through the ant farm crowd, i had kept in touch on line for a few years.  he has saved this trip from being total shit.  i'd go as far to say... this trip is justified by him and him alone.  i didn't even expect to hang out with him, at most see him at a bar and talk for a minute.  however, he is the only one who has made an effort to spend time with me.  moreover, our time together turned out amazing.  amazing in a way that... if i didn't live so far away, i would want to attempt (for the first time in 5 years) to actually convince a guy i'm 'girlfriend material' (i'd totally fail, cause i'm a loser that way, but i would TRY).  so, josh, if you ever read this... THANK YOU.  out of all these people i loved and cared for with all my heart, you were the only one who gave me a reason to continue feeling this way towards people.  you proved that not all the people i think i SHARE trust, love, friendship, and all that mushy shit... you proved that not all of them will prove themselves false.  i owe you huge for that one ;)  plus... the beach was fun as fuck (other than the sand. especially chewing the sand... how the hell did that happen?)