smeg.blog

the only thing i can think of to write about is the only thing currently going on... this SHITTY FUCKING VACATION. bullshit. pure bullshit. the guy i came to visit flakes out on me (then feels no remorse AND get's pissed that he has to 'deal with my shit'... 'shit' being my attempting to contact him, cause i'm 1000 miles away from home and supposed to stay with him). this is my 3rd visit to the celebrated 'america's shittiest hospital'. where the doctors will search for new and creative ways to cause more fucking pain than you came in with, and then charge for it. i'm only here today to have them get the crap they put in my arm when the first fucker cut open my arm, dug around in it, and packed it full of shit... without successfully numbing the area (screamed like a baby... with bigger lungs, a louder voice, and a more profane vocabulary). oh, and from changing the bandaids on my eternally pus leaking wound i learned a fun fact of the day: ant's dig pus. none got on me... that would have been even worse, but when i went to rewrap my arm, the little bit of the ace bandage holding the gause in place that had been stained with a little bit of the "drainage" was covered in ants and a whole train of them were heading towards it (after only 30mins. damn, i'm producing some tasty shit). i'm trying to take my mind off this whole experience. it would be easier if i was able to drive back home; however, i am stuck here for another week at least. the painkillers and antibiotics i'm on keep me from being able to drive long distance. being forced to stay in a situation that is slowly killing you makes every hour more and more painful. it also makes you mind start to look at everyone with the same caution you should have given towards the one who fucked you over. josh, the guy who went out of his way to hang out with me... the ONLY one... he got sick. i know that's not his fault, and i know he doesn't enjoy it. however, not to sound clingy-girl style, only because i'm down here for such a short time, and i don't know THAT many people, when he doesn't call for a few days at a time... well you can only guess where my recent mind fuck is going to take me. i hate it, because i'm not that girl. i don't obsess over the guy not calling, or what else he is doing, why he is avoiding me, etc... but when you add all my bullshit together it creates this temporary insanity that can only be cured through the presence of a friend. when none come to your rescue, in one of the rare times when you need nothing more than to sit in the same room with a familiar face, you can't help but feel alone in the world. not rejected by those you love, but coming to terms with the fact that no one ever liked you to begin with. you built these relationships in your mind, and they don't exist in real life. i can't determine if that's true, but some might call me crazy for thinking that. knowing that's insane to think that way... fully aware of the fact that i am being an annoying, bitchy, crazy, lunatic; i can't stop myself from thinking like this without the company of a friend to prove me wrong. everyday that goes by without that pushes me further into this state of self pity; and the more time that passes, the more i fear reaching the breaking point. it seems so close already... and i don't know what happens when i finally touch it.